The Ones We’ve Got
Reading time: 4 minutes
Themes: Presence, gratitude, change
Over the last couple of months, there has been a lot of change in my own life and in the lives of those I love and cherish. Seemingly, over the course of the last six months, I’ve watched as the journeys of some of my closest friends and family have pulled them to corners of the Earth that are farther than I would like them to be. I am on my own journey, which is leading me to even farther reaches of separation from those I love, so I can’t be too upset with the fact that, for now, that means some physical distance between us. Physical is the key word there - for it was when the physical separation was introduced that I became far more aware of the presence, or lack thereof, the relational distance that existed between those I hold in the highest regard.
This fast-paced change of life has forced me to reckon with the qualities and attributes the people I surround myself with provide me and what that means for upholding them going forward. How do I remain being taught by and absorbing the positive, wholesome qualities of those who no longer dwell across town from me? I initially felt sadness when I stopped avoiding the reality of these upcoming changes, as I do with most challenging things. I felt sad because it became clear to me that there was an element of taking for granted that I strive wholeheartedly to avoid. I work hard to be someone who is more present. The word present has taken on an air of over-simplification of experiences as more and more people have pushed to be such. But what does it mean? I suppose it depends on who you ask, but to me, it means not taking things for granted. Showing gratitude for the fleeting experiences we share in solitude and the ones we benefit directly from as a result of others.
Once I began to contend with the sadness, I felt relieved to realize that I had done well to be present with the people I know I will miss dearly whilst they’re not in my close orbit. I realized I was sad due to the lack of control over the physical distance being propagated and the need to find a new solution. I usually would feel grateful at the sight of a challenge, but this one felt like it was high-stakes. The result of my not doing my part would only serve to make the problem worse. I’d been raised with my immediate family (minus my grandparents and a few aunts/uncles) within thirty minutes of me. My relationship with my siblings has evolved drastically over the years, but they were always physically there, and now that was changing.
Living where I do, I’m surrounded by many people who choose to leave where they’re from and begin a new life that more closely suits their lifestyle. This brought with it the same set of challenges they now have to navigate - that being easier or harder depending on how they felt about the ones they were leaving behind. I’ve never had any reason to leave where I’m from as this tiny patch of earth holds everything I hold dear though I was surrounded by swaths of people who had done exactly that. How did they manage? Though many others have had to contend with this problem already, it was a unique problem for me and one that required very quick problem-solving
The reality is that people come and go - at least, that is how I reconciled fallouts and people exiting my life in the past. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that this no longer applied to those I surrounded myself with because the caliber of the relationship was far more outstanding and more consequential. I had spent years undergoing rigorous self-improvement and growth to attract the people I most needed. I have to believe, however hubristic it might seem, that the same was true for them. They needed me to whatever degree that might be. Regardless, I’d been blessed with the people I was supposed to be blessed with and now had to figure out how this new chapter of our relationship was going to thrive.
When considering the power I held over such a dynamic, my challenge-oriented brain went to work, and the most straightforward answer I produced was to prioritize weekly FaceTimes and phone calls, which I’ve upheld and will continue to do. Something unexpected approached me as I leaned into this, though. I began to unearth confidence in the relationships meaning that this fear and dread surrounding the change was relinquished when I truly pondered the quality of the relationships. The separation became analogous to weather. Storms, seasons, and a host of other changes can ravage the Earth, but an inherent landscape underneath will remain. It might have to contend with new signs of erosion, plant growth, or ecosystem fluctuations as a result of the weather, but it remains steadfast and constant no matter how different it might appear on the surface.
I’ve become certain that the relationships behind this contention have that same inherent strength. I’m confident that though they might never return to their previous state of being, they will be better for the change that they would one day inevitably be subject to and that allowing the flow of life to continue, no matter how uncomfortable, is necessary. This recognition gave me deep peace. Suddenly, it was okay to go days or weeks without talking because when we did, it was more prosperous and, more importantly, not taken for granted. There is an expression that says, “Distance makes the heart grow fonder.” It might be cliché, but it’s true. As a result, I’ve developed the confidence to embark on my own significant life changes and, in so doing, further increase that physical space, knowing that my relationships with my parents, siblings, and close friends will remain grounded.
The people in our lives are gifts. They are gifts because they teach us about ourselves and how to love and be loved more deeply. We have to be okay that not all our relationships are supposed to last forever, but the handful of ones that are should be cherished and upheld with the utmost importance. I know that I will be that constant to the people who share my orbit for the rest of my life, so any anxiety, fear, or insecurity is redundant. Make no mistake, it will require the same amount of work to check in when I think about someone instead of letting it slide and to approach our future engagements with more reverence and gratitude - but such was the duty I was tasked with when I was given those gifts, to begin with. Thank you for reading, and much love.
